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Webkinz World Facing Energy Crisis (Humor)


Please note: the following article is not real. It is intended for funnies. Without a doubt, Webkinz World is a wonderfully wholesome place. The Webkinz are known far and wide for being friendly, adorable and polite -- in a word, "nice." But all this niceness could have unexpected -- and problematic -- consequences.

Specifically, the Webkinz Department of Energy (WDE) has determined that an overabundance of niceness could result in a potentially devastating energy crisis in the winter months ahead. In a report released today, the WDE states, "With so many 'kinz having been so 'nice' in the preceding year, none will be receiving coal in their stockings at Christmas. The consequent shortage of coal will force us to significantly scale back production of electricity at three major power plants, causing interruptions in service during the coldest months of the year."

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The WDE actually assumes a certain amount of Santa-derived coal when forecasting annual energy supplies. Sheila Biskit, the Secretary of Energy, explains: "While we appreciate the general niceness of Webkinz, we still anticipate a certain 'naughtiness threshold.' This threshold is based on figures from past years, and should serve as a good barometer of approximately how much coal Santa will be bringing our way."

Critics say that the naughtiness threshold is flawed because it factors in isolated instances of extreme naughtiness, which cannot be expected to occur on a yearly basis. For example, in 2006 a tree frog named Alex Oodle committed several heinous misdeeds, culminating in the construction of a nuclear device designed to "crush the Beanie Baby menace." At Christmas, Santa buried Oodle in coal -- literally. While this was a great boon for the WDE, it also put Oodle in a body cast until April. Apparently the experience had a profound effect on the naughty tree frog, who has been nice as spice ever since. And no other Webkinz has attained anything close to that sort of naughtiness in 2007.

While the WDE pledges to amend the way in which they calculate the naughtiness threshold going forward, they stress that at this time urgent action is needed. "It's a matter of civic duty," Biskit says. "In these final weeks leading up to Christmas, we're asking as many Webkinz as possible to get themselves on Santa's naughty list -- to give up their toys for coal, so that no one will end up without power this winter. So please, sow weeds in your neighbor's garden. Crack open a Thoughtful Think Tank and play a game of brain hockey. Stuff a Zingoz in a sandwich maker. Be creative; we hear that Santa gives out extra coal if you come up with stunts he's never seen before."

Santa himself could not be reached for comment on the matter, although his elves indicated that the big guy definitely doesn't appreciate being used as a means to an end. "We know one Webkinz who'll be getting coal for sure," they say, "and that's Sheila Biskit."

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