NEWS FLASH: Strange Accents Blamed on New Wig
Said Ribbitus the frog, "My neighbor Patricia got one of those wigs a little while ago. It seems like as soon as she put it on her head, it knocked her brain clear back to the middle ages. She can't even speak to me anymore without spouting out enough 'thees' and 'thous' to choke a donkey."
"Verily, methinks he doth protest too much," sniffed Patricia in reply. "Hearken to me, dear Ribbitus: it becomes not a frog of such noble stature as thyself, to be stirred to bitter envy by my alabaster adornment."
"See?" snapped Ribbitus. "And I'm pretty sure she just made up at least three new words right there!" A fierce, maddened gleam crept into the frog's bulbous eyes. "One of these days..." he whispered, "one of these days... I'm going to burn that wig..."
Critics of the wig have noted that it does indeed seem to exhibit mind-altering properties, and that no one who puts it on can help talking in an antiquated English accent. They have been pressuring Arte's Curio Shop, the sole retailer of the wig, to take it off the shelves; but Arte has shown no inclination to do so. "Look, I sell all kinds of weird stuff," Arte said. "For Pete's sake, I've been selling brains in funky high-tech jars for years now, and ain't no one complained. What you buy here, you buy at your own risk. Everyone oughta understand that."
The Department of Health and Webkinz Welfare recently released this advisory statement: "We find the Queen Marie's Periwig to be safe when worn for brief periods of time. When used to enhance dramatic historical reenactments or Halloween parties, its effects are generally beneficial. However, Webkinz should be advised that continual wearing of the wig can have several negative side effects, to include loss of appetite, loss of friends, and the sudden fiery destruction of the wig by an agitated neighbor."