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More Webkinz We'll Never See


Here, for your entertainment and edification, is another edition of the often imitated, but never duplicated, Webkinz We'll Never See (TM). Please bear in mind that, although I'm getting my information from an inside source, by "inside" I could very well mean, "inside my twisted little head." So, take it all with a grain of salt.

Cheeky Elephant
Why it Would be Cool: Webkinz goes retro! We're heading all the way back to 2005 to rediscover cheeky chic.
Why it Ain't Gonna Happen: GANZ actually had the cheeky elephant in development. They finally canned it when they concluded that, invariably, "an elephant with puffed-out cheeks appears to be suffering intestinal distress of Biblical proportions." Yeah, don't think about that one too hard.

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Vampire Bat
Why it Would be Cool: Next to the black cat, the vampire bat is the most obvious candidate for a seasonal Halloween Webkinz. Also, bats can "see" via echolocation. Echolocation rocks.
Why it Ain't Gonna Happen: Vampire bats drink blood. While this is "icky" in the classical sense, it is not in itself a deal breaker. But where there is blood, there is also a circulatory system. And if we establish that Webkinz have circulatory systems, with veins and arteries and so forth, then it follows that... OMG, I NEED TOO STOP FEEDING MY PETS PIZZA AND DELUX NACHOS OR THEY ALL HAVE HEART ATTAKS FROM COLESTEROL AND DIE!!!
...and then the game just isn't fun anymore.

Dung Beetle
Why it Would be Cool: Are you kidding? It's a dung beetle!
Why it Ain't Gonna Happen: Are you kidding? It's a dung beetle!

Hyena
Why it Would be Cool: This African critter is surprisingly cute for a scavenger. Also, Hyenas had a pretty decent showing in Disney's The Lion King.
Why it Ain't Gonna Happen: The official line from GANZ is something like, "Hyenas are nasty, they eat dead things, blah blah blah." But I suspect a more insidious rationale. Hyenas, after all, are notorious for their weird, gibbering laughter. The introduction of Hyena Kinz could, therefore, pose a legitimate threat to the Zingoz' prized "hegemony of obnoxiousness." Clearly, Zingoz have infiltrated the upper management of GANZ and are quietly working to prevent any such threat from manifesting. It's a conspiracy, I tell you! We cannot allow this travesty of justice to go unchallenged. We must take to the streets! We must... um...
...what the heck was I just saying?
Oh well. Moving on...

Grease Monkey
Why it Would be Cool: Webkinz World has, what, like a bajillion different dogs and cats? And only two monkeys. It's not fair! The people demand more monkeys. Like, for instance, the exotic grease monkey, imported from the wild urban jungles of Detroit.
Why it Ain't Gonna Happen: I have just been informed (ha ha, the joke's on me) that a "grease monkey" is not actually a monkey. I suppose it's just as well; monkeys made of grease would no doubt have a rude tendency of bursting into flames when using the stove.

Fungal Behemoth
Why it Would be Cool: Um, this creature is actually from the Magic: the Gathering trading card game. I have no idea how it wormed its way into this article. That being said, wouldn't it be awesome to have a giant, amorphous mound of walking fungus for a pet?
Why it Ain't Gonna Happen: If you can't figure this one out for yourself, you need to go to your room. You go to your room, and don't come out until you can say you're sorry.

Paris Hilton
Why it Would be Cool: This strange animal displays certain similarities to a rabbit, insofar as -- on second thought, never mind. I'm not gonna go there.
Why it Ain't Gonna Happen: Seriously, forget I said anything. What, do you WANT me to get in trouble? Then just drop it, okay? Sheesh!

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