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NEWS FLASH: Pigs Baffling


A group of pigs referring to themselves as PADL (Piggish Anti-Defamation League) have been filing frivolous lawsuits, staging bizarre protests, and baffling just about everybody, according to just about everybody.

PADL has filed suit against the W Shop for selling Piggy Banks, which it considers "oppressive icons of a cruel stereotype." In a written statement, PADL said, "It is unacceptable, in this supposedly enlightened age, that a major retailer continues to sell Piggy Banks. Those obese ceramic caricatures perpetuate the idea that pigs are all greedy and gluttonous -- so gluttonous, they will even eat spare change."

W Shop assistant manager Kanji Bigmane described his first encounter with PADL: "I was working in the produce department when a pig approached me and asked whether I slept well at night selling Piggy Banks. I shrugged and said, 'Why wouldn't I sleep well?' He said that he hoped I had a good lawyer. He kept following me around, telling me that I was a bigot and saying a lot of stuff I really didn't understand... I got scared and thought that he might be a vampire, so I started throwing garlic at him. Eventually he left."

The Piggish Anti-Defamation League has also lambasted the nursery rhyme, This Little Piggy Went to Market, and has declared that the expression, "eat like a pig," is a vulgar insult that "sullies the piggish soul."

Many pigs are quick to point out that PADL doesn't speak for them; and that, indeed, they are unsure as to what PADL is even trying to say. "I guess they're tyring to say that some pigs don't like to eat so much," said Olaf Oinkerson. "I know I like to eat, but okay, for the sake of argument: 'Some pigs don't like to eat so much.' There, I said it; and I didn't even need to file any lawsuits or resort to weird, semi-apocalyptic language. Wow! Aren't I impressive?"

Another pig mused, "I really hope PADL just goes away. Sure, pigs like to eat; and cats are cute and fuzzy; and gorillas have a thing for bananas. So when I say these things, am I a bigot? If I meet a pig that doesn't like to eat, a cat that wants to be ugly and scary, a gorilla that hates bananas... sure, I'll think they're a little weird. Should it be a crime for me to say so? Are we going to end up seeing lawsuits flying back and forth whenever someone's feelings get hurt?"

He added, "Bottom line, sure, I respect the right of the PADL folks to be different. But I'd appreciate it if they'd also respect my right to be ordinary. Now excuse me; I have a big plate of mud burgers to get back to."

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