NEWS FLASH: Inside the Life of a Webkinz Psychiatrist
Webkinz World is widely recognized to be one of the happiest places in the universe. So it may surprise people to know that there is actually a Kinz Psychiatric Association (KPA) whose licensed doctors help patients cope with the unique stresses and traumas of Webkinz life.
"Admittedly, we're not often very busy," said Dr. Hippocampus, one of the KPA's founding members. "Ever so often, we'll get a real difficult case, like when some person decides, for 'scientific reasons,' to see what happens when you reduce a Webkinz' health and hunger meters to zero." He shook his head angrily. "What do you think is going to happen, Mr. Meany? Your poor Webkinz's self-esteem is going to end up in the toilet, that's what!"
The prescription for such a demoralized Webkinz usually involves weeks of therapy and no less than 200 Kinzcash worth of ice cream and lasagna.
Dr. Hippocampus continued, "Much more commonly, Webkinz will come to see us with questions of... ah, how to say this... gender identity. Specifically, male Webkinz of certain breeds -- Pegasus, Pink Poodle, Yorkie, Pink Pony, Persian Cat, a few others -- will come to us complaining of feeling hopelessly girly. It doesn't matter how they dress, what they do, how high of a score they can get on Dex Dangerous. They still feel like girls. A Pink Pony boy came in and said, 'I wish I was a Black Stallion.' He wanted to dye his fur black. Then there was a Yorkie boy who told me, 'I feel like I'm always giving myself cooties. It's so gross! Ewww!'"
(He still feels like a girl.)
Treatment for such Webkinz varies from case to case, although Dr. Hippocampus has noted that hypnosis is usually highly effective. "This boy/girl thing, you know... for us Webkinz, ultimately it's all in the head. But when someone adopts a Pink Poodle, and decides that it's going to be a boy, with a name like 'Pat' on top of it all -- I really wish that person would stop and consider the feelings of his Kinz!"
When not caring for troubled Webkinz, members of the KPA keep their minds sharp with a special members-only set of Quizzy's Questions, the "Freud and Friends" category.