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Please note: the following article is not real. It is intended for funnies.
Without a doubt, Webkinz World is a wonderfully wholesome place. TheWebkinz are known far and wide for being friendly, adorable and polite-- in a word, "nice." But all this niceness could have unexpected --and problematic -- consequences.
Specifically, the Webkinz Department of Energy (WDE) has determinedthat an overabundance of niceness could result in a potentiallydevastating energy crisis in the winter months ahead. In a reportreleased today, the WDE states, "With so many 'kinz having been so'nice' in the preceding year, none will be receiving coal in theirstockings at Christmas. The consequent shortage of coal will force usto significantly scale back production of electricity at three majorpower plants, causing interruptions in service during the coldestmonths of the year."
The WDE actually assumes a certain amount of Santa-derived coal whenforecasting annual energy supplies. Sheila Biskit, the Secretary ofEnergy, explains: "While we appreciate the general niceness of Webkinz,we still anticipate a certain 'naughtiness threshold.' This thresholdis based on figures from past years, and should serve as a goodbarometer of approximately how much coal Santa will be bringing ourway."
Critics say that the naughtiness threshold is flawed because it factorsin isolated instances of extreme naughtiness, which cannot be expectedto occur on a yearly basis. For example, in 2006 a tree frog named AlexOodle committed several heinous misdeeds, culminating in theconstruction of a nuclear device designed to "crush the Beanie Babymenace." At Christmas, Santa buried Oodle in coal -- literally. Whilethis was a great boon for the WDE, it also put Oodle in a body castuntil April. Apparently the experience had a profound effect on thenaughty tree frog, who has been nice as spice ever since. And no otherWebkinz has attained anything close to that sort of naughtiness in 2007.
While the WDE pledges to amend the way in which they calculate thenaughtiness threshold going forward, they stress that at this timeurgent action is needed. "It's a matter of civic duty," Biskit says."In these final weeks leading up to Christmas, we're asking as manyWebkinz as possible to get themselves on Santa's naughty list -- togive up their toys for coal, so that no one will end up without powerthis winter. So please, sow weeds in your neighbor's garden. Crack opena Thoughtful Think Tank and play a game of brain hockey. Stuff a Zingozin a sandwich maker. Be creative; we hear that Santa gives out extracoal if you come up with stunts he's never seen before."
Santa himself could not be reached for comment on the matter, althoughhis elves indicated that the big guy definitely doesn't appreciatebeing used as a means to an end. "We know one Webkinz who'll be gettingcoal for sure," they say, "and that's Sheila Biskit."
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