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Old 04-26-2008, 10:57 AM   #1
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Exclamation Please send your support for our daughter... (Previously titled "Love, even in the face of loss...")

*Update*

This post was originally about how terribly I felt for someone else's loss and how it made me reflect on our personal losses, but since the time of my writing it our life has suddenly taken a drastic turn. One of our children has fallen very ill and is suffering some terrible pain. I asked the moderators to reopen this thread since it was closed and I have since added a second part to this on post #19... Please take the time to scroll down and read this message or take this link to the recent post below about our youngest daughter. I will update this link as we learn more... If you read this whole post you will start in tears, if you start at 19, you will learn of our recent personal tragidy that came to our attention on May 15th, of 2008.


Gabby has a Caring Bridge page now.


If you have time to send a little love to our daughter, please read more about another VERY special person to all of us here at WI. Philip is our best Webkinz Bingoz Player Ever, hopefully we can get things going for him again soon... Until then visit his site at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/philipsworld and take the time to let him know you care.

~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~♥~~~~~
Just to clear things up, the following part was written before we fouind out Gabby had cancer. I wrote this when we didn't know one of our children was ill.
~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~♥~~~~~

~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~♥~~~~~

Today I read about someone's loss in BeefWellington's GE and how this family lost their beautiful child... BeefWellington's loss of her brother and the beautiful devotional that she made in her post moved me. So I took her link and then the link to the original story. When I followed the link to read the begining of it http://audreycaroline.********.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html and suddenly everything from my own life struck me all at once. Caught up with me as if it had been lost somewhere in time and then instantly the alarm in my heart finaly went off, but this time I can't find the snooze button. The loss of their loved one, the loss of a dream that became a reality, the hopelessness that they made good, and the pain they did not show, but embraced with joyous love. They enjoyed the short time they had with her with all their hearts. Then somehow, unbelieveably, the finding of another begining at an end. How do you start again?!

Then I thought of the loss of our hopes and dreams of a precious new life, and our personal struggling through not one or two, but multiple miscarriages... I never got to see the loved ones we lost, but I don't think I could have shown the strength and love the Smiths did for their little one for the moments she came into their lives. We have beautiful children that are here with us today, but what of the ones who aren't here? I always had to be the strong one. I had to support my wife and let her know it would be alright, that we had to go on for each other, for our families and finally for our own child. (Now we have children, 3 beautiful, treasureful children...) As I read and re-read her story I lost control, tears welled up. The hard racking sobs that I have never let go, the reeling sense of loss, even now I find myself crying, uncontrollably. It is just so hard to speak, or even write of this loss. I do not know how Angie had the strength to write her story, but I thank her. It was her courage and conviction that finally allowed me to release all the heartbreak and fear locked away in my heart. As a father I am only a man after all. Flesh and blood. Fears and Hopes. Dreams and Nightmares. I have them all. Just like you. I want the best for my children and I want them to taste the world. So to lose them too soon, or before they even had a chance is the hardest for me to accept. I am writing of my pains in hopes that I can release them and free my heart just a little. I hope that by sharing how I feel others can see that they are not alone. We all have suffered loss. This is just my way of finally dealing with it.

After reading the story of this wonderful family...

I sat in silence and just thought... Fears of possibilities gave rise to me and I heard my heart... I listened as the wild erratic beating calmed. I listened to the rythm it took on as it steadied. I heard a song, a quiet song, but still I heard it. As it beat out this song, I thought of my children and wife who are still here. Then my heart thrummed with anticipation of things yet to come. A quiet but beautiful melody sings out. I have 3 beautiful children. I have a beautiful wife. I have 4 heartsongs. Let my heart sing for the life I have. Let my memories carry a light for the loves that are not hear, but still a very strong part of who I am, who I will continue to be. Our lives are short enough as it is. Have I wasted too much time on the computer already today? Yes... But I still have to say something to put myself at rest so I can fully enjoy the rest of my day with my children.

~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~♥~~~~~

Dear precious child of mine,

Though I never got to meet you, I loved you. Even though you may not have a heartbeat of your own, know that as long as my heart beats, you will live on in mine. I cannot be with you now, but you will always be with me. I love you now, even as I loved the thought of you then. You are precious to me and I am sorry. I am so sorry I cannot carry you in arms as I do in my heart. My tears may be in sorrow, but they also hold the joy you brought us, for a moment, for a dream, for a life. Your life. I love you, always.

Missing you,
A loving Dad

~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~♥~~~~~
This new addition to my house in is devoted to our loss...

Click the image to open in full size.

I have lit the lamp post for you... To make it easier to find your way back home. I have set the sundial that our time together will begin again every day as the sun passes over. Do not worry that once that time has passed that I will forget you, for I could never forget you. In the night I will dream and spend the time with you I could not during the day... The flowers are the beauty I want all around us each day, the wonder and enjoyment of just being, and like the flowers, your beauty passed before I got to know you, but like the flowers I have planted, You will always be there, even if you have not blooomed again your beauty is still there and I will see it again and again. The empty hammock awaits our time together. Swinging and singing in the glowing sun of my sustaining love for you. The trees stand tall to shade and protect you when the weather of this life is too strong. The ponds to cool you and splash away these earthly cares... The benches are for you to sit and enjoy time with our family, so you may sit with us and tell us of the things you would like to do, someday, when we are finally together. The fence is put up to protect you from harm. To keep you safe from the things that I could not. The lagoon shares the darkness and unknowing things I cannot teach you because your soul was so perfect you were taken before I had the chance. The geode stands open to remind you that no matter how tough and stong your daddy is, I am still delicate inside. I open my geode to you, so you can see that there is still something inside, sparkling and beautiful for you. I loved you, I love you, and I always will love you. Please stay in my heart and never leave. Let your heartsongs sing forth to me again. There is a beauty in my sadness, a happiness I shall never know. But as long as you sing there still, I will be able to hear you, silently singing your love back to me. I miss you. I love. I'm here.

~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~~~~~~♥~♥~~~~~

[Edit]

Angie, Todd, Ellie, Abby, and Kate;

Thank-you for sharing your story. Thank-you for showing me the strength I needed to release everything I have held in for years.

Last edited by RamsesII; 06-30-2008 at 12:49 AM.. Reason: Urgent update!!!
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Old 04-26-2008, 11:05 AM   #2
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Default Re: Audrey Caroline

Wow. Very powerful and moving. My heart goes out to you. I hope this helps all of us that have had a loss.
What a beautiful letter.
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Old 04-26-2008, 11:35 AM   #3
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Default Re: Audrey Caroline (The strength of love)

Thanks. I am still reeling frome today's message to me. I really needed to find that. I am still pondering the whole of things, so I think we will celebrate what we have. I guess we will go out to the Webkinz Extraviganza and do a few things. Looking forward to enjoying time with my children.
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Old 04-26-2008, 03:32 PM   #4
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Default Re: Audrey Caroline (Love even in the face of loss)

Thank you for sharing what has to have been a very hard loss. I hope today held beautiful memories for you and your children. I really bet they think your the coolest dad for playing Webkinz with them. They are truly blessed to have you.
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Old 04-26-2008, 03:54 PM   #5
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Default Re: Audrey Caroline (Love even in the face of loss)

That is so sad. I almost cried at the end.

---------- emary4 added 2 Minutes and 32 Seconds later ----------

Ok, I am crying now.

Last edited by emary4; 04-26-2008 at 03:54 PM.. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
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Old 04-26-2008, 09:15 PM   #6
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Default Re: Audrey Caroline (Love even in the face of loss)

View Post Originally Posted by emary4
That is so sad. I almost cried at the end.

---------- emary4 added 2 Minutes and 32 Seconds later ----------

Ok, I am crying now.
Today turned out beautiful. It was one of the best ones I have had in a long time. It turns out sometimes all we need is to let it all out. I still well up pretty hard when I read it, but it is worth it...
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Old 04-26-2008, 10:14 PM   #7
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Default Re: Audrey Caroline (Love even in the face of loss)

Ramses, your sobbing has become my sobbing. I had put aside the pain and memory of my own miscarriage. There were so many unhappy hours along my path to becoming a mom. But 6 long years later, we finally realized our dream. God not only blessed us with not just one but two amazing, healthy, happy children.

I am grateful to you for allowing us to share your pain and your hope and your joy. God's blessings to you and yours, both here on earth and awating you in the life hereafter.
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Old 04-26-2008, 11:22 PM   #8
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Default Re: Audrey Caroline (Love even in the face of loss)

What a beautiful letter. You are right, we have to go on and enjoy the life we have here but we will always remember those we have lost. I just try to remember, we will be together again someday.
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Old 04-27-2008, 12:28 AM   #9
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Default Re: Audrey Caroline (Love even in the face of loss)

It is funny how sometimes I can I hurt so much, yet still be so happy. I find myself thinking about these things now when I have to punish my children. Am I making the right decision? Is this really something I should punish my child for? I think about what they did and although I know I am doing the right thing, I still worry that it is what my children will remember about me. I always want to be the fun person, I wqant to be daddy all day long, so why it is so hard when I have to be dad? But that is who I am. A dad. I love having fun with them, but if my children are going to be good they still need guidance. Still it is so hard when I have to correct them. I feel so guilty. Does anyone else feel this way?
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Old 04-27-2008, 01:02 AM   #10
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Default Re: Audrey Caroline (Love even in the face of loss)

Believe me, Ramses, it's not just the Daddy time that your kids will remember fondly, but the serious Dad time too. Even though you worry that they will look back on it negatively, they won't. It's that serious, sometimes harsh, learning that will teach those babies of yours to be men and women, husbands and wives, and even Daddies and Mommies.

Thank you for sharing your sadness with us. It's moments like those that we can all learn and grow from. I will give my babies extra hugs and kisses tomorrow because of your post. Thank you.
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