~~~REVIEW AND RATE!!!!!!!!~~~ Need posts please...PLEASE?! 3/2/09!!! brand NEW!!!

[wolf_princess]

Hey, writers! Sorry to intrude, but I wrote these short paragraphs, and i want to see what you think of them. please rate them from 1-10, i want to see what people think of it because i am not to sure. You don't have to do them all, if you'd like, just pick one or two that you'd like to comment on and give the ratings for those, along with the number's I've provided somewhere in each section's info. I really appreciate your comments!

#1 is sad:

My heart had shattered into a thousand tiny shards, and the one it had once beat for did not care for it enough to piece it together once more. A sadness had escaped my heart the instant I realized it was broken. The pain and the sorrow flowed through my veins until it reached my eyes, and its fruits began to stream slowly down my cheeks.

and as i wrote #2 i was thinking about Fenoglio:

The ink was flowing from his pen in a smooth stream. Words that had once been drifting as nothing but fragments in his mind now weaved themselves together to form sentences and paragraphs, which eased themselves into a story. It was as if this story was his destiny, and some unknown urge had driven him to write it, and to write it well.

please tell me what you think of these! I thought they were ok...what do you think? or

1/1/09

hey everyone thanks for rating my sections. i have another one! this is the kind of story i like to read. daring, action packed and mysterious. this is just a little paragraph, but how's my writing?

#3

She stood on the rock in the middle of the sea, poised as if to challenge all comers. Her right hand was raised tot he sky, gripping the ebony hilt of the glistening blade. Her daring action clearly spoke to the skies, berating them as if to say to the lightning, "Do your worst." Her other hand was stretched outward to the oncoming waters as if beckoning and adversary forward. All around her swirled a black mist, like shadows that had risen from a great abyss to protect her. Her storm emblazoned eyes were shining fiercely with a determined light that was colder than a winter storm. There very sight of her, battered and scarred as she was, could send fear into the hearts of any mortal. Even as the vision faded I knew that if she died that night, she would not go without a fight.

#4 This next one (added 1\26\09) is an excerpt from one of my short stories. I don't actually post any stories up here becuase I am rather paranoid about plagiarism, but I do like sharing my writing. Thank you so much to everyone who has read and posted so far, here is more for you:

The forest was as quiet as a graveyard after the sun has set. Only the occasional sound of the whispering wind could be heard above the silence. To her it should have seemed a peaceful place with a quiet, tranquil aura. But it didn't.
She stared into the shadows that surrounded her, frantically turning this way and that, peering wildly into the trees. They were moving, closing in on her, trying to crush her. She had to escape before they trapped her in their branches and squeezed the life from her. Then she ran, her breath a ragged gasp in her throat. A single word pulsed through her mind again and again.
Escape, escape, escape. It was the only option. It loomed over her, absorbing her like a dark obsession.
I will escape, I will escape, I will escape.

#5 New! 2\1\09!

"I want to be a hero, jut like you, Mister." The child's eyes were so bright and innocent. They shone with a light that was so pure that Paul hardly knew what to say. He didn't want to tell this boy how terrible it was to have to fight. To have that chilling wind brushing through your heart, telling you that if you ran you would not be able to live with yourself. But just as well he could not tell how even when he did fight, though it had been the right thing, the thought of having killed someone else brought the chill back worse than ever. So he smiled that lying smile that seemed to occupy his face perpetually these days.
"Maybe when you're older." And carried on, towing his burden of icy pain.


#6 New! 2/6/09!
This is a segment of my story called Brothers of Courage (see siggy). I'm not sharing the whole story (13 pages) because I don't want anyone stealing it, but here's one of my favourite parts.

Brodie stared into the darkness around him, trying to decipher the new feelings that were raging through him. He had easily named the one that felt like ice surging through his veins. That was fear. Fear for himself, fear for everyone in Caratena, and most of all, fear for Cillian. Then there was one that ached within his chest as if someone had stabbed him in the heart. What could that be? Was it sadness? Why was he sad? He knew why. Because he had already given up. Cillian was going to fight tomorrow, and he was going to lose. Everyone was going to die. Brodie sat, staring at nothing, letting the fear and the sadness sweep through him like a silent storm.
Then he thought of Vanarva sitting snugly in his ship, not having to worry about anything. He could just see the hateful man, his boots propped up onto the table in his warm, dimly lit cabin. He could see in his minds eye the perfect image of the vague glint of the lamp light on the polished ebony footwear, and hear the soft creaking moans of the ship’s timbers as they held the sea out of the scene. The odious marauder would be swigging fine wine straight from the bottle, laughing with his comrades and poking fun at the young man who called himself Blade of the Coasts.
The thought of the pirate caused something new to build in Brodie’s heart. Something fierce and alive, but yet violently so. It continued to grow inside of him, like a wave of heat and flame that did not warm him. He wanted to cry out, to scream at the world and never stop screaming. Brodie felt angry. He felt vicious. He felt dangerous. He wanted to thrash, to roar! Suddenly a name for what he felt sprang into his head.
Rage.
He wasn’t going to take it. He wasn’t going to sit and watch Cillian die before sitting and dying himself. He had to do something, anything to stop the evil that had come to Caratena.

#7 New for \3\2\09!!!!!
I just wanted to share this, it's a short (very short) section from my story Vengeance: 25 cents, and it just so happens to be my favourite part. If you are a writer, I hope no one ever, ever says this to you.

“I am a truthful man, Benson. That is why I am going to very plainly and simply inform you thus: Your story is a load of meaningless trash. It’s swill. No sane person on earth would pay a dollar for it, and I guarantee you they don’t let the brain damaged patients out of the asylum long enough for a trip to the bookstore."

[iswim7]

1. aww, thats sad! but it's really descriptive, 10.

2. WOAH, thats good! 10.

for both!

[wolf_princess]

Thanks iswim!!

---------- wolf_princess added 968 Minutes and 16 Seconds later ----------

No one else?!

[JonasBros19]

I give them both a 10!
The are great and very descriptive!
Just remember too much description
can confuse a reader! [I am not trying
to be rude] My ADV Language teacher
said that when we were reading our stories

[wolf_princess]

Hm, ok thanks Jobros! I was trying to be poetic, but i get what you mean about over descriptive

[rattyjol]

1. 8.9
2. 9.3

i know, i give weird ratings. did you write these?

[wolf_princess]

Thanks, ratty! i'm sending you a pm....

---------- wolf_princess added 932 Minutes and 54 Seconds later ----------

bump....anyone else? please, i really need some feedback.

---------- wolf_princess added 531 Minutes and 21 Seconds later ----------

bump.........

[000000005]

1. Don't really like it, but descriptive! 7
2. I like it, but unoriginal. 8

[wolf_princess]

thanks for posting, 005!

---------- wolf_princess added 1356 Minutes and 15 Seconds later ----------

it makes me sad to have to keep bumping.....

[pollytoad77]

#1: I'd give it a 9
#2: I'd give it a 10

--pollytoad77