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Old 02-23-2011, 08:36 AM   #1
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Wink Unfortunate~ Updated Daily!

Hello, guys. This is a quick story I wrote in school. I kinda got inspiration from Stargazer's Adopted. I hope you like it and please review. I hope to be a writer and I need constructed criticism.

Flashback: October 5th, 2002
"Mommy, why do Rachel and I look alike," I asked, hoping for a nice answer. My mother smiled back like always and she said "Quinn, you are twins with Rachel." I had known even though I was 3 then. Then, one day, my parents took us to another home. At least Rachel and I had each other.

Chapter 1: Me and Rachel
Hi, I'm Quinn and I'm a 12 year old girl from Vancouver, Canada. I now live in a foster home that's sort of mean. Me and Rachel only get table scraps along with 2 other girls. Tara and Aleah. They are twins too just not identical. Rachel and I only get to wear shorts and t-shirts in the summer and there uniform. I woke up this morning to screaming. It was Rachel! I ran to Aleah and Tara's beds and shook them. "What? It's like 4 in the morning.," Aleah moaned. "Actually, it's 5:45.," Tara corrected, smartly. I whispered "Ms. Pentlyle has Rachel. I hear her screaming and I'm so worried.". The girls and I quickly got dressed and poor Rachel came in, tears streaming down her cheeks. "She's a monster. She smacked me really hard and I think my finger might be broken. ," Rachel sobbed. " I got her breakfast and spilt it on accident. Before I knew it, shooting pains were all over my body. ," Rachel whispered. " Rachel, we all have to get to 6th grade in like an hour and a half. After school, we'll all go to Nurse Annie and she can put something on your finger. Okay? ," I hugged Rachel, happily.

Chapter 2: Scared
School went by fast. We ran to Nurse Annie to see Rachel's finger. " Oh my! What happened? Your finger is broken and you need a splint. I'll put it on right now! ," gasped Nurse Annie, dramatically.
We all sat down, chatting until we saw the Monster. Ms. Pentlyle was here! "Goodness gracious me! Why are you all here? Tell me why. ," demanded the Monster. "Oh, hello. Are you Marilyn Beatrice Pentlyle? Rachel McKinley here broke her finger. ," Nurse Annie smiled. " Yes, I'm Marilyn B. Pentlyle. I know sweet Rachel broke her finger. ," snootily said Ms. Pentlyle.

Chapter 3: Yelling Of A Lifetime
As soon as we stepped foot in our house, we all were trembling. "DO YOU GIRLS SERIOUSLY THINK YOU CAN JUST PARADE AROUND WITHOUT TELLING ME? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HEY, FLINN, TALK! ," screamed Ms. Pentlyle, angrily. " Ma'am, we wanted to tell you.But, but, we just couldn't, I'm sorry. And, my name is Quinn with a Q. ," I stuttered. " Okay. Quinn, you all will go to bed with no dinner. ," said Ms. Pentlyle, calmer. We all tiptoed to our room.

Chapter 4: Starved
We all put on our pajamas. Rachel and I put on pastel green tankinis and flowing capris. Aleah and Tara put on pastel pink nightgowns. We all climbed into our beds and talked. I noticed Rachel was silent. " Rachel? What's wrong? ," I questioned, softly. " Oh, sorry. I'm just so hungry. We hardly ever get dinner and it's like this every night. ," sobbed Rachel. " Hey, guys. Whenever I go to Gayle Burns's house, I get given 5 bags of Chips Ahoy cookies that Mrs. Burns 're-mastered'. Want some? I probably have about 20 bags. Want some? ," Tara smiled, full of joy. "Yes! You rock, Tara Peters! ," all three of us chorused, smiling. We all munched on cookies and water until we were happy. Which was 7 cookies in.

Chapter 5: The Weekend
It was finally Saturday and no school. Weekends are kinda fun because Ms. Pentlyle lets us go to our friends' houses to play and talk and stuff. I go to my BFF, Kendall Matthews's house and Rachel goes to her BFF, Gabby Conley's house. Tara goes to Gayle Burns' house and Aleah goes to Josette Kay's house. We all sleep over there and it's always fun. We talk and just have fun. I got to Kendall's around noon. She looked ecstatic to see me. "Quinn, we're having lunch. Tofu Burgers and we kinda figured you would come so how bout a hot dog? ," asked Kendall, happily. Kendall's a vegetarian. You would never figure it out, though.

Last edited by mousekayteer; 02-26-2011 at 08:26 AM.. Reason: New Chapters!!!
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Old 02-23-2011, 10:11 PM   #2
it's Olive ♥
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Default Re: Unfortunate~ Updated Daily!

Oh cool!
I like it!
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Old 02-24-2011, 12:57 AM   #3
kurdt kobain
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Default Re: Unfortunate~ Updated Daily!

It's coming along nicely! You're a pretty good writer (:
I would just like to suggest that you use more...descriptive words, I guess?
Like, instead of saying "Tara said, smartly" you could say "Tara corrected, nodding her head."
That's just what I do and I think it could help improve the writing style.
;]
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