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Old 10-02-2009, 06:11 PM   #1
Hannah is beast(:
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hollister887 is a jewel in the roughhollister887 is a jewel in the rough

Default The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

So this is a story I wrote a while ago.
I dont mind constructive critism, infact, I want that.
So, Please comment, rate, and CONSTRUCTIVELY critisize(: I say that in caps, because I dont want people to go EW u hate it! Re-write the entire thinggg!!!!
I just want suggestions like, 'you could take out _ and put _, and maybe change that,(etc....)
Thanks, and I hope you like it!





The Room
Chapter One
"Hey Marcie!!" I called out to my best friend in the hallway.
"This boarding school is the worst" Different voices said fluttering the hallways.
"MARCIE!" I said louder. Marcie spun around and looked at me.
"Oh, man, Hi Sam, Sorry, I couldn't hear you over all this noise about this school." Marcie said, smiling.
"It's okay, but what's so bad about it here? I mean sure, we're away from home, but we're not with out parents!!" I asked her
Marcie shrugged. I had gotten to know Marcie when I first got to the school. We were best friends, and roommates. In the beginning, we gave each other the cold shoulder, then we started talking and figured out stuff about our room. Like, the fact that it was supposedly very unlucky. We both walked along to the corridor and into our unlucky dorm. Shutting the door Marcie began to talk.
"I hear new girls are coming. What if one moves in with us? The unlucky room might strike again!" She told me
I shrugged.
"She could be really cool you know. This room might not be unlucky you know." I told her
Marcie looked around as if somebody was in the room with them.
"Yeah, I guess you’re right, maybe the room isn’t unlucky, but what if she's a freak, and she picks her nose and-" I interrupted her
"What if she's not, and what if she doesn't"
Marcie nodded.
"I guess you're right. We'll just have to wait and see." She said.
I nodded.
"And if she is a freak, maybe we can get her to another room, without being mean." I said Marcie looked around and fixed her bottom bunk comforter. I walked over my bed, the top bunk, and climbed the ladder. (I'd been in the room first, and chose that bed) Once I got to the top I lay down, and sighed. 'What if she IS a freak? 'I thought. 'I wouldn't want to be mean...' A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.
"Girls" a rough voice said "Your new roommate is here."I looked around uneasily and bit my lip, with a swift motion I tipped my head and got my bangs out of my eyes. I walked over, seeing that Marcie was making no attempt to answer the door. My fingers curled around the knob and I opened it, not knowing who see would see.
"This is your new roommate" A counselor told me. "I trust you'll be nice to her" Knowing Marcie, this counselor knew how many fights she got herself into.
I nodded, and let the girl in. She had black shoulder length hair, and thin bangs going straight across her head. Her piercing blue eyes had a look of fear in them. She was wearing skinny jeans and a sweatshirt. Kind of like me, except different.
"Hi," I said sticking out her hand awkwardly. The girl took my hand and shook it.
"I'm Sam and this is Marcie." I said pointing to Marcie who had just stood up.
"Hey." Marcie said, sticking out her hand, the girl shook her hand too. Setting down her stuff on single bed.
"I'm Liana, can I have this bed?" She asked pointing to the single that nobody wanted.
"Sure, it's all yours." Marcie answered flatly. I could tell Marcie didn’t like this, Liana, and neither did I, yet. It was something about her eyes, incredibly flat hair, and punk-rocker style. I was still stunned, and continued to stare at her. Liana looked up, and I tilted my head, so it was facing the window.
“So, what do you do for fun here?” Liana asked. Just then, the door opened with a loud bang.
“Hey Sam, Marcie.” My friend Blake said to us. He glanced around and saw Liana. Marcie mouthed ‘New’ and Blake shook his head, as if to say, ‘Okay’
“Hi, I’m Blake.” He told her. She smiled, and kept unpacking. “What’s up?” He asked them curiously.
“Nothing,” Marcie and I answered at the same time.
“BLAKE!” somebody in the hallway said.
“One sec,” He said down the hallway. He turned back to us.
“Got to go, Bye!” He said.
“Bye,” Liana said. When he left, Liana closed the door.
“He was cute, wasn’t he?” She asked us. I just looked at her, with my mouth hanging open, and my eyes bugging out.
“No,” Marcie replied flatly.
“Well, I think so.” Liana retorted. I closed my mouth, thinking of what to say.
“A-Are you talking about Blake?!?!” I stuttered, shocked.
“Well, If that’s his name” Liana replied.
“He’s taken” Marcie said.
“Oh yeah? Well, by who? I’m sure I beat her looks.” Liana snapped.
“Actually, I don’t think you do. It’s Brandi. I’m sure you’ve seen her in the hallway. Long brown hair, blue streak in the front.” Marcie told her, fuming.
“Yeah, I’ve seen her…” Liana trailed off.
I pulled Marcie away.
“Why are you being so rude?” I asked in a whisper. Marcie shrugged, obviously not giving and explanation. I walked away, hotly.
“So,” Liana said shooting Marcie a look “When is dinner?”
“Well,” Sam said “Since it’s a Saturday, we don’t have school. Dinner is whenever.”
“Good, I’m starved” Liana said smiling at me, but ignoring Marcie.
“The cafeteria is down the hall to the left, you can’t miss it.” Marcie growled.
“Sam, are you coming?” Liana asked me.
“No, I just uh, finished lunch. I’m not hungry.” I told her quietly
“Oh, well see you!” she said to us.
“Yeah, bye.” Marcie said furiously. Liana pranced out while Marcie slammed the door closed.
“Why us?” She started “She is….ugh!”
“Marcie chill.” I told her “Why are you so mad?”
“She’s just…too…perfect.” Marcie told me furiously.
The door opened with a loud slam. Liana was standing there, ready to scream.

Last edited by hollister887; 10-02-2009 at 06:14 PM..
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Old 10-03-2009, 09:47 AM   #2
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Default Re: The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

Good story so far!
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Old 10-03-2009, 10:59 AM   #3
Katey ate mah
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Default Re: The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

Awesome story, write more!!!
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Old 10-03-2009, 12:50 PM   #4
Hannah is beast(:
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hollister887 is a jewel in the roughhollister887 is a jewel in the rough

Default Re: The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

thanks guys!!!(:
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Old 10-04-2009, 02:52 PM   #5
Hannah is beast(:
Webkinz :)
 
hollister887's Avatar
hollister887 is a jewel in the roughhollister887 is a jewel in the rough

Default Re: The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

anyone else?
hollister887 is offline Female
Old 10-04-2009, 03:07 PM   #6
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Default Re: The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

Not bad at all. Not bad.
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Old 10-04-2009, 03:37 PM   #7
Hannah is beast(:
Webkinz :)
 
hollister887's Avatar
hollister887 is a jewel in the roughhollister887 is a jewel in the rough

Default Re: The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

thx(: aanyone1 else?
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Old 10-09-2009, 08:24 AM   #8
Hannah is beast(:
Webkinz :)
 
hollister887's Avatar
hollister887 is a jewel in the roughhollister887 is a jewel in the rough

Default Re: The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

doez anyone else like itt?
hollister887 is offline Female
Old 10-09-2009, 08:58 AM   #9
I'm a learning
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Default Re: The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

I think that it's a little heavy on dialogue. I'd personally advice adding some text about the setting to literally take us there! Other than that it seems nice.
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Old 10-14-2009, 06:18 PM   #10
Hannah is beast(:
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hollister887's Avatar
hollister887 is a jewel in the roughhollister887 is a jewel in the rough

Default Re: The room, please please PLEASE view!! Also, comment(please!), rate(optional), and constructively critisize!(optional)

okay, thanks!
anyone else?
hollister887 is offline Female
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