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Ulysses S. Elephant and the Zivil War (KinzCulture)


In his autobiography, famed armchair general Ulysses S. Elephant recounts his involvement in the Zivil War, without a doubt one of the strangest conflicts in history:

"A young Zingoz wearing a dandy uniform approached me one day and requested that I lend my tactical expertise to his cause. When I asked what his cause might be, he impressed upon me that the Zingoz people could no longer tolerate Zangoz oppression, and that their respective peoples were henceforth at war. As he explained the situation it was clear, from his peculiar turns of phrase, that he had been reading Marx. Now it is widely known that, should a Zingoz get any thoughts into his head -- other than the thought that his head ought to be struck, repeatedly and with great force -- there is danger of a most peculiar sort. I therefore resolved to derail any potential calamities and agreed to accompany this unruly Zingoz to the field of battle."

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"I met with a small mob of uniformed Zingoz who were unabashedly delighted to see me. In the field opposite some Zangoz had a battery of cannons, and the Zingoz looked to me for their leadership. With great authority, and nary a trace of guilt, I ordered them to form up in columns and to march directly, and with slow deliberation, towards the enemy. When the cannons roared, the thunderous peal gave way to the delighted shrieks of Zingoz being tossed many meters into the air. I am confident that the profound impact of the cannonballs knocked some senselessness back into the little yellow creatures; for I have never since heard of an attempted Zingoz insurrection."

"The entire Zivil War, if it may so be called, lasted exactly three seconds. As for the Zangoz, I do not think they were even aware that anything was out of the ordinary at all."

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